Sunday, May 13, 2007

Second Chance at Second Chance

Residual grit cast off by distant stars
coalesces to a quantum tome in bio script
with twist and tuck of human code
a second’s chance
in all these endless leagues of light
discrete, our tiny tick of time with
seventy times seven
second chances
time enough
ambitions lust to boast
to gloat be humbled and despair
forgive and be forgiven.


16 comments:

Crafty Green Poet said...

I enjoyed this version too...

ish said...

Thank you crafty green poet. And for your visit. I don't subscribe to the popular idea that most versions of many things are inherently equal. I do think meaning & distinctions are important. They certainly are in daily life like when you have to do something like board a bus.

Crafty Green Poet said...

indeed or getting a train across Europe, especially when the back is going to a different country than the front...

ish said...

That would call for focused attention, and maybe fluency in the local language?! :-)

Radagast said...

Actually, I preferred the original. It made sense to me (I think).

gautami tripathy said...

I prefer the first version. Raw. That made more sense to me.

No two versions can be equal or equivalent.

ish said...

Crafty Greeen Poet, Radagast, Gautami, Thank you. Maybe my disavowal was overblown. Marion mostly didn't like the first couple of lines. She couldn't get 'billowing stars'. My metaphor had 'beards' as light rays and also maybe as a nod to star's great age. And she also thought it was stretching it to talk of stars 'in flight'. Said people don't generally picture them as flying acoss the universe -- which of course they are.
She also thought it another stretch to think of earth's bio events (including us) as a 'splurge' of the stars. So this version has an attempt at a bridge line.

Donners said...

I like both in their different ways,

I think I find myself more able to identify with the second, but enjoy the pure conception of the first.

Inconsequential said...

I still think that's too many sins to forgive, who would turn the other that many times?

I do like both versions of this piece, though the theme doesn't quite fit with creationism as such, well in my head...
Which as it does have sin and forgiveness implies a god type poem...

I know "he/she" made everything etc etc and as such creationism can include evolution as Gods will...the trouble with faith etc...the higher will, question not etc...

oops, I so wasn't gonna go there.
Sorry Ish.

There goes my arrogance again...

:)

Any way.
Both.
Good Stuff.
As expected from a talent like yours.

ish said...
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ish said...
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ish said...
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ish said...

Inc. Thanks for these comments. I am lucky to have made your aquaitance in the blogoshere. And, well yeah, I did think of God's forgiveness when I wrote ... but it could just as easily be human forgiveness. Setting things right with one's mates before fading from the stage. :-)

Thanks donners. I am sort of back with the first version but still haven't decided if my 'star' metaphors are too much of a stretch.

ish said...

Oh, and inc, the '70 X 7' is a biblical reference. It was the answer Jesus gave when asked how many times we should forgive. It only makes sense if we are forgiven by a similar measure.

Inconsequential said...

Yeah, I had to research the 70 7 as it seemed a key phrase to the piece...can't remember right now, but think it cropped up in a Matthew bit :)

I guess I'm a bad man. I only give people the one chance. Never a second :)
490...way too much...

ish said...

we're all bad. Point of the story.